Lazarus
by Primordial Soul
Summary: Death is something that always will leave a mark, something that can never be shaken in such a short time. As I rose from death, I found myself alone in a new world, so similar and so utterly different, surrounded by those I could not trust, all by myself. I had no strength, no stable ground, no shoulder to share the burden with. I was alone. Until I met you. ME2 AU MShep/Nyreen
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **Hey, it's Primordial Soul with the first chapter of _Lazarus!_

I have always thought that the beginning of Mass Effect 2 had so much of its potential not utilized. Shepard had rose from the dead. He has lost everything around him and is forced to work with those he doesn't trust. He is on a suicide mission after losing two years of his life with no break at all... and he's perfectly fine? No psychiatrist, no mistrust, no stress, not even a single mention of his close brush with death? He _died_ and always sees space, the very place in died in, as he goes to sleep. And he's a-okay, 100% ready to roll.

What … the …. shit?

So, this will be an attempt to capture the above. Shepard, who lost two years of his life and everyone close to him. Shepard, who just got drafted onto a suicide mission without a single break. Shepard, who is forced to work with terrorists he personally killed and tracked down. Shepard, who is cut off from any stabilizing agent for his mental state. Shepard, who _died_ and rose from the dead. A Shepard who is actually effected by these things.

This AU story, as stated above, will start at the beginning of ME2 and go at least until Shepard leaves Omega for the first time after the Archangel mission. Maybe more in a sequel if I feel like it.

This story will be Male Shepard/Nyreen Kandros and will be focused on its development. Great pairing and one that should have been in the game.

Shepard will be Paragon, but Renegade when it comes to the safety of his crew.

Shepard will be a Soldier who gained biotic abilities from the Lazarus project.

Shepard had no LI in ME1.

I can't think of much else. Let's get this show on the road.

I don't own anything!

* * *

_Alchera, SSV Normandy Crash Site, 2185_

All I could see was white.

I stood there in the blowing snow, looking amongst the wreckage of my beloved ship. Underneath my helmeted head, my eyes teared up at the sight. Here was an image of my decadence, a symbol of my decline. I had never really believed it until this moment, but here... here is a monument to all my sins.

My feet crunched the icy chucks beneath me as I trekked through the _Normandy's _crash site, remembering everything I had done aboard her. I remembered the Eden Prime briefing with Nihlus and Anderson. I remembered my speech when I became its Captain. I remembered the parties we had thrown, the good times we shared together. I remembered mourning Ashley, remembered the anger I felt when we were impounded by the Council. I remembered seeing the Normandy, gliding through space as it took down Sovereign.

I remembered its last dying moments, gutted by a unknown enemy. I remembered... everything.

Everything I've lost.

Something shiny glows nearby, catching my attention. I walk towards the object and lean down, brushing off the accumulated snow after two years of inertness. I gaze at its revealed form, my fingers absently rubbing over it, feeling its texture. It was a standard issue Alliance dog tag, engraved with the name _Marcus Grieco_. Another man lost to the ravages of time and Death. At least he never got up.

I stayed crouched for some time, my mind slowly drifting off into a drifting blankness. I couldn't help but remember what led to this travesty, this cursed existence I now lived in.

* * *

_Flashback_

_ Awareness comes to me, something I never thought I would ever experience again. I groan and rub my chin, pain flaring through my muscles as if I never used them. Pain was good. It meant you're still alive. I look around to see my surroundings, combat instincts reflexively firing. Where was I? How did I get here? All I remembered was..._

_ I have no time to ponder my this new development_ _when a urgent female voice yelled out, "Shepard, you need to get moving! I know your scars aren't healed yet, but this facility is under attack!"_

_ Explosions nearby shook the room I was in, sending me to the floor. I groan as my ribs protested the fall. What the fuck was happening?_

_ "Shepard, armor and weapons are in the nearby locker. You need to move!" The irritating woman called out again. I tune her out as I got up off the ground and walked towards the locker._

_ Time to get some answers._

* * *

_ End Flashback_

My mind resets back to the present time, bringing me out of my recollection. I sigh and stand back up, turning to face the rising sun. Now that I know what was reality, I wished I never got off that medical table. I'm all alone in a world where everything has changed, where I'm forced to fight immediately. There is no one I can trust. I can feel my mind slipping, attacked by stress and horrible nightmares. It would have made things so much easier if I had never waken up.

No man should return from the dead.

I turned and walked towards the shuttle, ready to return to the _Normandy _copy above me. Ready to return my cursed existence, to leave this small oasis of peace. There was nothing here for me anymore.

There was nothing in the galaxy for me anymore.

* * *

_Thirty minutes later_

I stepped off the shuttle, brown eyes carefully examining the hangar I was in. It was very similar to the _Normandy_, so similar it was uncanny, but just different enough that it was painful to look at. Everything was brighter, yellows instead of blues, that cursed symbol everywhere in sight. It just helped remember the absolute nightmare I was living.

The crew looked at me with varying expressions ranging from concern to annoyance. I walked past them, paying no attention to them. They were not _my _crew even though I commanded this ship. They were Cerberus, an enemy, people who couldn't be trusted. I was in the lion's den, full of danger and treachery without any back-up at all.

I pressed the elevator button for the third floor, wanting to explore the copy after finally realizing my situation. As the elevator slowly rose, why haven't they fixed that, my mind returned to the past.

* * *

_Flashback_

_ My armored body was tense, ready for any attack inside the small Kodiak shuttle we were in. Jacob Taylor and Miranda Lawson stared back at me with expressions I couldn't really determine. I shifted in my seat, moving my body into a better position for combat. You can never trust Cerberus._

_ Kahoku found that out the hard way._

_ "Before we reach the Illusive Man, we just have a few questions to determine your mental capabilites." Miranda began. I fought the urge to snarl. Two years of my life gone and she wants to play nanny?_

_ "Your record shows you grew up on Mindoir and were the only survivor of the attack there. Can you remember anything about it?"_

_ Why is she asking me about demons I've never buried? Shouldn't she be talking about my resurrection, getting me grounded in this new reality? I was in a state of flux, unable to make sense of this. There is more important priorities than my past, Cerberus, I thought. You just want to see if your investment paid off and can physically function. You don't give a crap about me._

_ "I don't want to talk about it," I slowly say, frustrated over my lack of knowledge. Miranda opened her mouth to reply, but Jacob cut her off._

_ "Miranda, try something more recent." the man said. I refused to feel gratitude. He was Cerberus. This was bad cop, good cop. I refuse to be tricked._

_ "Very well. Virmire, where Ashley Williams was killed..."_

_ I fix Miranda with a glare, stopping her in her tracks. Why did she want to bring up every single disaster I've participated in? Every single terrible experience I've seen. What the fuck was wrong with her?_

_ "Miranda, enough with the questions. He's obviously capable and I can vouch for his combat abilities personally."_

_ Oh you mean the biotics I suddenly have? The biotics that I have absolutely no training in and almost got me killed four times onboard Lazarus stations because they kept going off with a single accidental flick of a hand, finger or arm? Sure, thank you **so** much!_

_ "I need to see if Commander Shepard is mentally capable for his duties," What duties? I'm not joining your organization, you bitch!_

_ "The battle of the Citadel. You ordered the Alliance fleet to leave the Council to die. Why?"_

_ I've had enough. I jumped to my feet and growled, "Shut up, Cerberus. You do not get to bring up every single fucking horrible thing I've experienced and sit there like that. How dare you!"_

_ Miranda raised an eyebrow and responded, "This is just standard procedure to see how well you're coping from your... situation."_

_ "Situation? I was dead! A pile of meat and tubes if I recall. I lost two years of my life! I should be getting much more than a five minute interview aboard a shuttle!" I yelled, my frustration reaching new levels._

_ "Unfortunately, that isn't possible. We're out of time," She replied with that vague sense of smug superiority._

_ Out of time for what?_

* * *

_ End Flashback_

Miranda still was such a bitch, I mused as the elevator rose. She had the audacity to tell me, her CO, what exactly I should do? With the unwavering belief that we must act with 100% effort less than a day after I rose from the dead?

She couldn't be trusted. She was tracking my every move for the Illusive Man's benefit.

I hate that guy.

The elevator slowly dinged, revealing the empty hall way in front of me. I slowly stepped out and walk into the mess cafeteria, stopping when I can oversee the room.

It was so similar to home like the rest of the ship, but just different enough to now what is truly real. Around four Cerberus crew members were eating, laughing, talking with one another. My heart clenched at the sight, remembering all the times I had shared with my crew during the hunt for Saren. They hadn't noticed me yet, my form hidden in shadows. I was a ghost, a relic of old times.

I didn't belong there.

My eyes turned towards the medical bay, showing an even more despairing sight. Good old Dr. Chakwas continued her duties, typing away on her computer just like old times. I wanted to walk in there and give her a hug, cry in her arms, feel the comfort of someone who I could trust, who I knew would stand by me no matter what. I couldn't though.

She was one of them.

She, like Joker, had joined Cerberus and had agreed to work for the Illusive Man. I couldn't trust them; they could be compromised or ordered to be nice to me. It's been two years. Anything could have changed.

I turned and walked towards the elevator, no longer wishing to see this ship anymore right now. In my haste to the elevator, I didn't notice a crew member emerging from crew quarters, running right into me. I grunted as I stumbled backwards, my hand flicking outwards in an unconscious gesture.

My new biotics, in response to the accidental motion, fired, sending a pulse of biotic power straight towards the ground. It exploded, sending the two of use flying in opposite directions. I hit the far wall, groaning as I slip to the floor in slight pain. I noticed the guy gasping in pain too, having injured his back in the fall.

"Commander, are you all right?" A disembodied synthetic voice rang out. My eyes narrowed as I heard her voice. The siren of the Normandy. EDI.

"I'm fine, EDI. Stand down," I ordered as I slowly rose to my feet. Two other Cerberus grunts ran up and escorted the injured man to the med bay. Dr. Chakwas motioned him in, focused on his injuries. She didn't even check on me. My heart fell.

I was alone.

I slowly moved into the elevator, ready to head up to Deck 1. As it began moving again, my thoughts returned to that AI. She was omnipresent, omniscient in her knowledge of the ship. There was no privacy from her sight, no conversation unrecorded. She constantly sent everything to the Illusive Man to keep me under his thumb. I was always watched. I could never let my guard down.

At any moment that I'm not fighting the Collectors, more human lives will perish. I get that and I will do my duty. But... death leaves a mark on us that we can ignore. It is a rotting wound, a hole in your mental psyche. It reveals how fragile life very is and you can never, never, never forget its touch.

My encounters with death, the enemies without and within the Normandy... everything added together is wearing away at my mind. Why won't he let me regain my focus, my stability in this new time?

Easy. He doesn't want me too. He wants me dependent on him so I will always be under this thumb. And it's working. I have to give him that he's good at this sort of manipulation.

The elevator doors dinged open, revealing my personal quarters. They were admittedly much nicer than the ones I had before, but that was the thing. The Illusive Man wanted me to get used to these benefits, become dependent on his wishes. Just like a drug addict, he was trying to get my fixed on the things he was offering.

I refused to give in.

With a sigh, I removed my armor and put on my civilian clothes. I was exhausted of constantly being on my guard, constantly seeing everything so similar yet so different. I couldn't afford to stop, no one is out there for me.

I was on my own.

I slipped into bed, gazing at the window above me with moistened eyes. Right above my bed lay a window to the void of space, the very same place where I perished. It was a reminder that everything had changed, a memory of the tragedy I had experienced. It was the Illusive Man's way of bringing my demons to the front of my mind, to get me to break beneath the stress of this situation I found myself in.

As tears began to slip from my eyes as I looked away from the beautiful but tragic sight, I could only think that he was right. I was by myself. I couldn't trust anything around me. I couldn't control my new powers. I had nothing.

Oh how much I wanted someone to trust, to share my burden with! Oh how much I wanted someone to stand by me, provide me with stability to get the job done! Oh how much I wanted someone to simply understand and care!

I fell into the depths of Morpheus, having never felt more alone.

* * *

**AN: **I hope you liked the first chapter of _Lazarus!_

How do you like my interpretation of Shepard in this? I think it's more realistic and emotional considering his circumstances. He's going to be like this, paranoid and lonely, for a little bit until he meets a certain turian female on Omega. Then he'll start to revert to Commander Shepard badassery.

Chapter length for this story will be around this long. I wanted this to be shorter than my other works. I also believe that shorter chapters will be better suited for this story.

Please review and respond. That would be great!

That's all! See you later!

Primordial Soul


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Hey, it's Primordial Soul with the second chapter of _Lazarus!_

I appreciate the support you guys have given me and I hope to meet your expectations. I don't have much else.

* * *

**Review Responses:**

**Gallantmon228: **Thanks! I hope I can portray this situation more realistically than the games did.

**Edboy4926: **Yeah, I wanted it depressing. It's the tone I want to set at the beginning of the story until Shepard and Nyreen meet.

**Mandalore the freedom: **I was pissed off too when they killed Nyreen's character like that. She had so much potential and they just let her go. It was apparently too much effort for Bioware to keep a character alive.

**Ranger-A13: **Strange, I find them strangely attractive too. And I agree that she should have been an LI for male Shepard.

**Aeternix: **Thank you for the stellar review! I wanted Shepard to be a wannabe paragon, but too broken and troubled to do such a thing. Shepard is in no condition to run a suicide mission and Cerberus doesn't care. They just want their dirty work done with no true care of Shepard's mental well being. I understand your comments about the flashbacks. It's a habit of mine and I'll work on editing that. Nyreen has so much potential for this kind of tale. That, along with my personal inclination towards he character, made her the love interest. I hope I can meet your expectations.

**Rhagar: **Me too. She's one of my favorite NPC's too. Thank your for your comments. I also thought Shepard should have been in no condition to be ready to roll. They should have had a Shepard loyalty mission where those feelings about his resurrection and loneliness emerged. They could have even brought the clone in then, furthering the impact on his emotional state. Nyreen and Shepard will meet in what I think an interesting way. I hope you like it.

**Inkess: **Thank you! I wanted to show Shepard's isolation from everyone he knows. More of it will show up in the coming chapters before Nyreen's entrance. Aeternix also told me about the flashback thing; I'll take care of it.

I don't have much else. I hope you enjoy this chapter! **[VULGAR LANGUAGE ALERT!]**

I don't own anything!

* * *

_Normandy-SR2; Captain's Cabin_

I sat in my cabin's office space, absently scrolling through my emails, trying not to think of the reality outside my room. Here, I had at least some protection from the stares, the loneliness, the memories. Here, I had some protection from the duties that awaited me.

I sigh as I delete yet another spam email. Seriously, why wasn't there any filters on my computer system? Did Cerberus conveniently forget when revamping the Normandy to add a spam filter?

I turn my head to stare at my personal aquarium, currently holding only water. I watched its eddies and currents, stared as it flowed from one corner to another. It mirrored my life in a way. Constrained against its will, forced to obey whatever laws placed upon it. Story of my life, indeed.

I turn back to the computer, trying to avoid thinking about the distressing nature of my life. I had a job to do and it couldn't wait for me to get better. People were disappearing, the Reapers were coming and I couldn't afford to sit back and take a breather. No matter how much it costs me.

Miranda and the Illusive Man both suggested immediately to go acquire Mordin Solus on Omega. I denied their request both times. Why would I just blindly jump into the fray using their resources when I could go to the Alliance and get what I needed? Some trustworthy men, countable intel, the works. The galaxy would be screwed if I jumped into something blindly and got killed.

But still, the Council has apparently done absolutely nothing over the two years I was dead. I put them in their positions and at the first opportunity, they ruin everything I've worked towards! That didn't inspire confidence in me and thus, the Council couldn't be trusted.

As I planned my inevitable return to Council Space, I received another email. My eyes widened as I read the sender. David Anderson. The man who got me into N7. The man who helped me hunt Saren and put his life on the line to get us to Ilos. He's the only one I can trust right now. I eagerly open the email and read it, my heart falling as I read it.

_On the off chance that the rumors are true, and you actually are alive, I need you to come and talk to me on the Citadel. A lot has changed in the last two years. You put us on top, and it's only fair that you be allowed to speak for yourself about what we've been hearing_

I stare at the words written by my mentor, not able to understand the hidden meaning beneath their words. Was I reading this right? Did Anderson not believe me too?

My fists clench in anger, my eyes narrowed into slits. _… "it's only fair that you be allowed to speak for yourself about what we've been hearing" …_

_ speak … yourself … hearing … on the off chance … rumors ..._

Even Anderson didn't fucking believe me! After everything that's happened, he believes my survival is only a mere rumor! My own mentor! I growled in anger as I stalked to my desk, banging my fist against the table. I breathed deeply, trying to calm myself from the betrayals I've suffered.

Anderson thinks I'm a lunatic? A fake? A copy? Anderson believes the rumors and tells me to come home like some petulant child?

_"A lot has changed in the past two years"_

Too fucking right. Too … fucking … right. How can I trust anyone if I can't trust my own mentor? Who thinks I'm insane and believes rumors over my own convictions! Who practically orders me to come home and face whatever investigation they wish!

I bang my fist against the table again, tears coming to my eyes. If even Anderson doesn't believe me, then there was no chance anyone else would. There was no point into going into Citadel space. I was alone. And nobody was going to help me.

A very unwelcome voice pinged over the intercom. "Commander, your stress levels are reaching higher than healthy levels? Do you require medical care,"

I suppress my temper at the AI, knowing that any sign of weakness would be ruthlessly exploited by Cerberus. It probably didn't matter though. EDI watches everything all the time so all my weak moments are wide for the viewing.

"I'm fine, EDI. Get back to work,"

"Mr. Moreau would like to speak with you down in the cockpit," EDI replied.

I close my eyes, memories washing over me like a tidal wave. Memories of a more naïve time when I learned I was truly alone.

* * *

_ "I can't believe it's you, Joker"_

_ I smile as the two of us walk down corridors filled with the terrible Cerberus livery. After everything that's happened, Lazarus Station, Freedom's Progress, Tali's refusal to join me, it was relieving to see and talk with a friendly face._

_ "Look whose talking. I saw you get spaced," Joker quipped, his trademark smile stretching across his face. I smile again in return, so glad to finally be with someone I can count on, someone I can trust_

_ "Got lucky, with a lot of strings attached. How'd you get here?" I reply, trying to keep the light hearted mood between us. It was so calming to my fragile mind and I wanted more of it. Besides, I always loved the banter we shared. Joker and I shared a camaraderie, one tested by battle and time._

_ "It all fell apart without you, Commander. Anything you stirred up, the Council just wanted it gone. Team was broken up, records were sealed and I was grounded. The Alliance took away the one thing that mattered to me. Hell yeah, I joined Cerberus," Joker growled, turning away as he said this._

_ My mind freezes, unable to comprehend the words just said by my friend. He … joined Cerberus? For FLYING? How... How could this have happened? Was he always like this? A man who put his piloting, "the one thing that mattered to me," above one of his closest friends?_

_ … He was. I never noticed the signs. _"_I'm not good. I'm not even great. I'm the best damn helmsman in the Alliance fleet." He said what seemed like forever ago. Everything he talked about was his flying. It was obvious in hindsight that he would hold his flying, his livelihood, first._

_ He couldn't be trusted then, I realized. With the mere offer of flying, Cerberus got Joker to break his oaths to the Alliance, something horrifying to the former Spectre. What would it take for Joker to side against me? Not much. I couldn't rely on him._

_ "You really trust the Illusive Man?" I ask hesitantly, trying to make sure that I was correct in my assumption of his unreliability. I just couldn't compile my friend as someone so easily turned _

_ "I don't trust anyone who makes more than I do. Besides, they're not all bad. Saved your life. Let me fly. And there's this," Joker said, motioning towards a window._

_ I turn to see a Normandy frigate become illuminated in the artificial lights of the base. As I see the copy, see the slight differences in the frame, see Joker's eyes fill with awe, I knew Joker couldn't be trusted. Joker was Cerberus and everything that entailed. I was alone. I was always alone._

_ I just never realized it._

* * *

My mind returned to the present in seconds as the memories ceased to run across my eyes. As I remember what I felt that day, betrayed by Joker's turn, my face tightened up into a cold mask. He was Cerberus, a traitor. No matter my feelings towards him, he couldn't be trusted. He didn't deserve my time.

"Well, Mr. Moreau should be focusing on the one thing that matters to him. Log off"

I ignore the AI's response as I stalk to my bed, throwing myself on top of the mattress. I curled up, letting the suppressed tears run along my face. What was the point really? My life is forever changed. I'm completely alone on a suicide mission, with no one I could trust. I had nothing.

Just like Cerberus wanted. A puppet dependent to their whims.

I lay there for what seemed like hours, unmoving, not listening to the various queries sent to my room. I was only roused from my stupor when the door to my room opened. I raised my head to see Dr. Chakwas enter, uncharacteristic nervousness filling her face.

We stare at each other, silence permeating the room. I slowly lift my body off the bed, my gaze never wavering. What did she want?

"Commander..." Chakwas began, seemingly uncertain on how to continue. "EDI told me of your … concerning stress levels. Is everything all right?"

I almost wanted to laugh. All right? She wanted to know if I was all right? Did she know of the shit I've been through.

"You tell me, Doctor" I say evenly, watching her shift on her feet. "After all, you undoubtedly got a memo of the stuff done to me from your Cerberus friends."

"Shepard, I don't work for Cerberus. I work for you," Chakwas pleaded.

I bit back another laugh and reply, "Spare me the stories. How would you get here if you didn't join Cerberus? How do I know you can be trusted? You could be ordered to be nice to me. Get me tied even further to Cerberus"

Chakwas opened her mouth to reply, but I cut her off. "Listen, I don't care what story you want to tell me. The facts are, you joined Cerberus. I cannot trust Cerberus. Therefore, I cannot trust you. You broke your oaths to the Alliance and that is something that cannot be ignored. Goodbye, Doctor."

I walk past her, heading towards the elevator. As I enter it, I continued, "Make sure you include this in your report to the Illusive Man." My eyes hardened as I said what was on my mind about the Illusive Man's manipulations.

"Good job. Good fucking job"

The door closed. In more ways than one.

* * *

**AN: **I hope you enjoyed that chapter of _Lazarus! _Please tell me what you thought!

It felt kinda nice writing short chapters again. They're easier to write.

I wanted to make Shepard irrational, paranoid and mentally fragile. Tell me, did I succeed in doing that? Did I succeed in creating a Shepard affected by the events that preceded? Please review and respond.

Omega is coming very soon and that is the main setting of the story. I believe the rest of the story is set on Omega. I hope you're eager for Nyreen/Shepard! I am!

I don't have much else. See you later!

Primordial Soul


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **Hey, it's Primordial Soul with the third chapter of _Lazarus!_

Thanks for the support for this story! This is my first attempt at writing something that dealt with the deeper portions of a person's emotions and mental state in response to a traumatic event. I'm glad I'm doing this well.

Just had a final today so my brain was dead tired when I wrote this. Please tell me if this chapter matches up to the quality of the previous chapters. BTW, sorry for the long Review Replies. Just like doing them. :)

* * *

**Quick notice:** As of right now, I have no plans to continue this story past Shepard and Co leaving Omega for the first time. Basically, what lies ahead is the Mordin and Archangel missions, some of the Omega assignments and a original plot tying the previous missions together. I may decide to write connected one-shots about the events after _Lazarus, _but that is a ways from now. Of course, I could also be persuaded to change my mind and write a sequel... :D.

That being said, Shepard will be arriving on Omega soon and we all know who's on the station. Among other people, one female turian ex-cabal badass. Can't wait for their meeting! I have a lot in store for them... After all, the genre's Romance. :)

* * *

**Review Responses:**

**Mandalore the freedom: **That's the point. Shepard's logic is impaired from the mental stress and trauma his resurrection brought upon him and his fragile emotions are driving his decisions. And Shepard knows subconsciously that Tali had a good reason for not joining him. But to his fragile mind, Tali's refusal simply drove the point home that Shepard was alone and no one trusted him. Can't expect such a individual like my Shepard in this story to react rationally to something that reinforces everything he currently believes.

**Rhagar: **I felt the same. Even though ME2 was a great game, the beginning definitely dragged me out of my SoD. The loyalty mission... honestly, I hadn't really planned to write it. It was simply a nebulous idea that was floating around in the back of my head after playing the Citadel DLC. Hm... maybe a short story after _Lazarus? _I'll think about it. Yep, you are correct. Subconsciously, Shepard knows he's a paranoid, irrational, emotional and mental mess. But, when do very emotional people act rationally?

**SSj Masta: **I'm honored to have your compliments! Shepard has always been the Commander, the go to guy, the one that solved everyone's problems. I wanted to make it so that Shepard was the one in need of help and nobody can give him it. That humanizes even the greatest of heroes, revealing the person underneath their strong exterior. And that is the heart of the matter. Shepard isn't a machine, a demi-god, a superhuman unlike so many other franchises. Shepard is a person, a human being, with tremendous burdens unfairly thrust on his shoulders and he's cracking under the pressure in this AU. He needs help, confirmation that he isn't alone, that his allies, his friends, his compatriots, his future love, will stand behind him against all threats. Nyreen, with the strength of her character, will be something that fits this broken Shepard and reaches out for something inside Shepard that he always wanted, but never experienced. A partner, someone who will always stand beside him, someone who will love him unconditionally.

**Aeternix: **Thanks! I tried my best to dive deep into Shepard's emotions, tried to show the realities and the tragedies washed away under a hero's exterior in most stories. For in our hearts, no matter who we are, we are all human. All vulnerable. All fragile. All seeking comfort from the challenges of life. Trust me, it was hard to write Shepard this way, hard to purposely write a character set on the path to self destruction, hard to simply write these emotions. It's a fine line to tread and I fear that I will lose this quality as the story progresses. The Chakwas encounter really sets in Shepard's irrationality, his pain, his fear, his emotions. It is an open chance for companionship and Shepard throws it away. It's something anyone would do in such a state. Thank you for your suggestions; I will do my best.

**Inkess: **Yep. As I said above, Archangel/Garrus will be in this story. Love his character and can't leave him behind. Whoops, I always miss a couple things.

That's all folks! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

I don't own anything!

* * *

_Normandy SR2_

Pause. Jab with the right fist. Punch with left fist. Uppercut with right fist. Reset. Pause. Repeat.

I had continued this routine for what seemed like hours, pounding my frustrations into the hanging punching bag. My eyes were narrowed, my vision was blurred by sweat, the monster in my chest refusing to leave. Physically pushing myself was the only way I could bear the burden of everything that was fucking wrong in my life.

As I continued to punch, the bag shifted from an unassuming brown to a familiar shape. One that I had met on Eden Prime, one who fought alongside me, one who I left to die on Virmire. Ashley Williams.

_"You left me to die, Skipper." _I heard her whisper, her voice tearing at my fractured soul. Tears mixed with my salty sweat as I remembered her last heroic moments. She was a better soldier than I was. A better woman.

"I couldn't help it. More lives would be saved if I rescued Kaiden and the STG team. I'm sorry Ashley. Please forgive me" I whisper, my voice hoarse.

_"__Life piled on life; Were all too little, and of one to me; Little remains" _she replies

"_Ulysses_; by Alfred Lord Tennyson. Lines 24-26. An apt comparison." I reminisce, the words spilling out beyond my control. The pain was too great.

Other shapes appeared in the corners of my vision, the symbols of my guilt. Mom, Dad, Jane, Tabitha, Old Man Leroy, Amy, Trent, Ernest, Rose, Matthew, Jenkins, Nihlus, Shiala, Benezia, even Saren and the Council, just stood off in the distance, silently staring at me. Condemning me for their deaths. All my failures, silently accusing me of my sins.

My fists sped up, trying to alleviate the pain and the stress. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't smart enough. I couldn't save them!

_"How dull it is to pause, to make an end, To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!" _Ashley's voice continued, her body returning to its previous shape as a punching bag.

I stopped my punches and clung to the bag, Ashley's words burning deep into my soul. She was right! She was so right! I was all alone, a tool past his prime, a man out of his time! I couldn't trust anyone, couldn't find reprieve or solace.

"Why?" I say, my voice slowing gaining in volume. "Why, why, WHY!"

"Commander?"

My body jerks into action, adrenaline pumping through my veins. I could feel my eyes widen in panic, could feel my body react without my consent. I was cornered, trapped, alone!

I lower my body, reducing my profile and through out my hand to cover myself from any retaliation that may come. As my hand moves, it just happens to trigger my fucking biotics, sending a warp towards who ever disturbed me. Goddamn it! Why did the Illusive Man give me something I couldn't control?

"What's wrong with you Shepard?" A familiar Australian voice, dripping in annoyance and frustration. The voice dragged me out of my irrational state and brought me back to conscious thought. And I was pissed.

"What the hell, Miranda!" I snarl, lifting myself to my normal height, staring right into the stormy grey eyes of Miranda. "Don't you know how to ring a fucking doorbell?"

"I am the XO of this ship and I must be able to reach any mission critical areas." Miranda stated, causing my eyes to narrow yet again. "Besides, why did you attack me? We're on the same side."

"I beg to differ, Cerberus," I stated darkly, hating that I had to deal with this bull shit. "Besides, it's not my fault I have no fucking clue how to use my biotics. Something you forgot to plug into my brain?"

"We gave you the tools you needed to be a one man army," Miranda replied hauntingly. "We gave you what you needed to stop the Reapers. Are you so ungrateful of the opportunity we procured for you?"

"An opportunity? AN OPPORTUNITY!" I roar, furious over the condescending way she was treating my sentence. "You brought me back from the dead, brought be back from my peaceful slumber, put me in a galaxy where I'm all alone, where there is no one I can trust! I'm falling apart. And it's all your fault!"

"Most men would kill for this chance we gave you," Miranda replied, seemingly unaffected by my outburst.

My fist clenches as I look down at my feat, tempering my anger. "I'm not most men," I comment darkly.

"No you're not. You are the personification of humanity, a symbol, a bloody icon. You ..."

I raise a hand, stopping Miranda's words. "Don't. Just don't. I'm just a man, lost in time, falling apart. You are Cerberus, the evil in the night, the one who forced this curse on me. Just tell me what you wanted to and get out."

Miranda stood there silently, analyzing my stance, my eyes, everything about me. As we stared at each other, Miranda's mouth twitched in … was that satisfaction? Triumph maybe?

Of course it was. Fuck you Cerberus. This is all your fault.

"I have taken the initiative and have instructed Flight Lieutenant Moreau to head to Omega to acquire Doctor Mordin Souls. We will arrive within a couple hours."

Omega. The heart of scum and villainy in the galaxy, the de facto 'capital' of the Terminus Systems. I've never been there, although I've heard terrible stories of prostitution, scams, violence, theft, arson, treason; anything you can think of, Omega had it. The filthy streets, the piss hole bars, the terrible housing, the gang warfare … it was a chaotic, dark place, fractured and pressured by so many outside forces.

Just like my life, I grimly noted. Omega and I shared a lot in common now.

I sigh as my mind returns to the conversation. I am not happy that Miranda went above my head, but we haven't done anything in a week besides explore the ruins of my old ship. So, she was kinda in the right...

"I can't say I'm pleased over your interference, but we need to get started. Very well. Inform me when we are ten minutes out from Omega. I'll be in my quarters."

Miranda nodded and walked away to her office, probably ready to file her report to the Illusive Man over my mental state. When she was gone, my fist, surround by a biotic aura, found itself imbedded in a bulk head; my anger, pain, and stress boiling over beyond my control. I withdrew my fist, absently noting the damage I had done to the Normandy-SR2. I did not care over the damage; it just felt good to finally lash out and relieve my burden against Cerberus.

After all, the ship was theirs, even if they put me in command.

I took my leave of the gym and headed up to my quarters, too tired to continue beating my frustrations on the punching bag now floors below me. I walked over into my bathroom and stepped in the shower, cleaning off the sweat that I accumulated on me.

Minutes later, I stepped out of the shower, cleaning my face off with a towel. Once I did so, I put the towel down and stared at my reflection in the mirror.

Horrid red lines, a symbol of my curse, ran all along my cheeks. My eyes, usually chocolate brown, shone with a red shine. My brown hair was cut short, just like it was during my career with the Alliance. My eyes had dark bags under them from a lack of restful sleep.

I raised my hand and pressed it against my right cheek, wincing when it touched the sensitive cracks on my skin. I slowly brushed my hand along my cheek, noting the angles and hard surfaces that were the synthetics inside me keeping my body alive.

I was alone. I was a freak, a corpse raised from the dead, thrown into a galaxy that wasn't mine. I had nothing. Only a terrible, tragic death lay in front of me.

_Death... end..._

I chuckled softly as my mind realized something. Omega was the end, the last. End was death. And I was walking towards Omega. My end was near.

And I could do nothing about it.

As I continued to stare at my reflection, lamenting over my pointless fight, I whisper,

"And off we're marching to the end"

* * *

**AN: **I hope you enjoyed the third chapter of _Lazarus!_

We arrive on Omega next chapter, which means we're one step closer to Nyreen. I can't wait!

Don't have anything else to say. See you guys later!

Primordial Soul


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Hey, it's Primordial Soul with the fourth chapter of _Lazarus!_

I'm super excited today because I officially graduate from high school today! YES! I had to get this out on graduation day so here it is!

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to my other works; I've been super busy for many reasons, one of which is above. I'll do my best to start up next week.

This chapter does get a bit dark, a little too dark for my tastes. Like, Shepard entertains ideas of killing himself. But I need Shepard to collapse so that Nyreen can help him back up.

More classical literature! :)

* * *

**Review Responses:**

**Mandalore the Freedom: **They took a gamble, one in my case blew up in their faces. Nyreen is an absolute favorite of mine and she will do her best.

**Scottusa1: **Oh, Shepard is a survivor all right. Just how much will survive? :)

**Ranger A13: **This Shepard has always been pragmatic. He tries so hard to be paragon, but he always makes the decision that appears to have the best outcome for the galaxy against the Reapers which often happens to be renegade. Yes, he does hate Cerberus. A lot. And Miranda is the Cerberus cheerleader, a symbol for all the crap he has. Of course he'd blow up at her.

**The Evil Eye: **I say both. They don't have the technology installed yet and his stress levels are off the chart resulting in glowing synthetics. Which further reduce his self esteem as they continue to show that he doesn't belong anymore. It's a self destroying cycle.

**Beast513; Osage: **Thanks! That cutscene and the breaking of my SoD inspired this story.

**MECHANICALCHEESE: **I'll update when I feel like it. I'm glad you're captivated. This relationship is going to be fun to write. I also hated the fact that Bioware killed her off. She had so much potential! And yes, there will be that. Most probably explicitly. I think it's necessary to show the depth of their relationship.

**Lady Aimee Krios: **[Shrugs] Yeah, I suppose so. Thanks! I really liked writing that line!

**CrowandCackle: **Nice word nuance, I'll make the switch later. Thanks!

That's all folks! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

"Flight Lieutenant, take us in" I ordered Joker as Omega appeared in the cockpit before us. Its red, bloody glow saturated the area around the station, painting space the color of blood. It hung in space like an abandoned derelict, haunting and stained by the conflicts of ages past. In a way it was, for it was the end of space, the end of society where the excommunicated dwell. I could feel my stomach twisting upon itself as we drew closer to the station. The end was near.

MY end was near. I didn't belong here. I didn't deserve to live. Why me? What made me so fucking special?

"Roger that, Commander." Joker replied, his eyes focused on his job on docking with the station. Despite my personal feelings, I'm glad that we can still work together like we used to. Just a little slice of normalcy.

"Commander" EDI's voice piped up, causing me to close my eyes to try and restrain myself from showing my more violent urges. "Two dossiers are recorded to be present on the station. Doctor Mordin Solus and Archangel. I suggest meeting with someone on the station to get more details on their specific locations."

"Thank you, EDI" I growled. "But this is my mission. I make the calls here. Goodbye"

"Of course, Shepard. Logging you out."

I let out an angered sigh as the AI disappeared, turning to Joker who was now looking at me. "What do you want?" I say.

"Shepard..." he began hesitantly, unsure of the specifics of our relationship right now. "You're falling apart."

I snorted as I saw Ashley appear behind him, haunted eyes starting at me. "What do you think? I'm a walking corpse."

"Shepard. You have friends, family like myself to help you. We still stand with you! You just need to let us in!"

_"__Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player / That struts and frets his hour upon the stage / And then is heard no more." _Ashley whispered, causing me to shiver in guilt and pain. Damn it, why! Why can't I have my eternal peace?

"_Macbeth _by William Shakespeare. Act five, scene five, lines 22-24" I whispered, remembering the conversations Ashley and I used to have aboard the Normandy.

Joker blinked and replied, "What? Shepard, what are you talking about?"

I shake my head and snarled, "Oh really, Cerberus? The man who places flying over the memory of his dead friend? You won't break me. I can see your manipulations as clear as day."

"Shepard, I joined Cerberus for you! Not for something I could always do. I joined Cerberus because they were bringing you back, because they knew what was going on with the Reapers. I did what I did to save your lives and others, not for flying!" Joker replied, shakily getting to his feet.

"_It is a tale / Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury / Signifying nothing." _Ashley stated calmly. My eyes narrowed at her response. She was right. Joker was an idiot for me to believe this tale. Sure it was impressive, but it was nothing. Nothing! I wouldn't fall for Cerberus plots! I won't!

"Act five, scene five, lines 25-28" I hissed, causing Joker to blink in shock and realization. "You should learn something from the classics, Flight Lieutenant. Nice try."

"Shit... you're hallucinating Ashley right now aren't you?" Joker gasped. "How long? How long has been going on, Shepard?"

I stare at him, ignoring the condemning glares of everyone I killed starting at me. I wouldn't stay sane if I wallowed in my guilt. "Every day. Every damn day," I stated calmly, revealing just a small portion of the demons that have haunted me.

"Shepard... I'm sorry." Joker apologized, looking down in shame. "I didn't know things were this bad. Please let me and the Doc in. Let us help. You need us. You're going to kill yourself if you keep going."

I turned away, refusing to meet his gaze. "Too little, too late, Cerberus." I walked to the airlock, ignoring Joker's pleas. He was lying to me to gain my trust.

He had to be.

* * *

As soon as we stepped out of the airlock, a salarian came to talk to them. "Hey, you new here? Welcome to Omega! I can always tell. How about I..."

A batarian walked up behind the salarian, glaring at the latter. The former wilted underneath the batarian's gaze.

"Oh, hello Maclak. I was just..." the salarian fidgeted, trying to explain his presence.

"Leave Fargat. Now" the batarian drawled, obviously not wanting to deal with the salarian.

"Of course! Anything she wants!" the salarian replied, running away as soon as he finished talking. I raised an eyebrow as the batarian turned to me. What was this about?

"Blasted scavengers..." the batarian mumbled before he straightened into a more formal tone. "Welcome to Omega... Shepard."

Concern and anger flashed through me. "You know who I am?" I say darkly. How did they know?

"Of course" the batarian said patronizingly, "we had you tagged the moment you entered the Terminus Systems. You're not as subtle as you think."

Goddamn it! Why the fuck did they know? How?

The batarian continued, "Aria wants to know what brings a dead Spectre to Omega. I'd suggest you go to Afterlife now."

I snap at the command, brining my arm up to capture the batarians throat with my hands. I threw him against the wall, my new biotics causing my body to glow.

"You don't tell me what to do," I growl, "I do what I want. I won't be controlled!" I squeezed reflexively, causing the batarian to choke.

"Commander..." I looked up to see Miranda staring apathetically and Jacob looking concerned over my actions. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, calming myself. I couldn't take much more stress. I needed to vent soon.

I let go of the batarian, throwing him to the ground, my eyes stinging from the inflamed cybernetics behind them. "I'll be there shortly. Go run back to Aria and be a good little bitch." The batarian followed his advice, sprinting out of the airlock into Omega proper.

I turn to my handlers and reply, "Let's go meet Aria. I'm already tired of this place."

"Are you alright, Shepard?" Jacob asked, concerned over my violent attack on the batarian.

I laughed at his reply and responded, "I'm feeling exactly how you wanted me, Cerberus. No need to ask me that."

"Shepard, you're a good man, but you're still a man." Jacob said. "You need help."

"Fuck you, Cerberus." I growled. "Why couldn't you let me die? I would have been better dead than living past my time!"

"Shepard..." I turned and ignored him, walking out the airlock and approached the door to Afterlife. I had no need to listen to lies and false assurances.

We were let into Aria's club on sight, ignoring the sputtering gasps of every person in line to enter the club. I ignored them. Who the fuck did they think they were? What horrors had they gone through, what did they do to deserve special treatment. I began to like how Aria ran things on Omega. It made sense when compared to my life right now.

A giant purple beam greeted me and my Cerberus watchers as we entered Afterlife, presenting an image of awe and slight intimidation. Asari dancers, who most probably doubled as strippers, danced along the rim of the purple beam. The light behind their moving, flowing bodies made them seem unnaturally beautiful, supernatural even and the effect easily enraptured the guests of Afterlife. I wanted to smile at the technique Aria employed. Clever.

We passed numerous bars, tables, booths and private rooms where it was possible to score a happy ending to your day on the way to Aria's pavillion. When we reached the stairs, a guard stopped us.

"Only Shepard may pass. Your two lackeys have to remain downstairs."

I didn't bat an eyelash as I kept walking, Miranda and Jacob looking angry that they weren't allowed to accompany me. Thank God. I finally have some measure of control in my messed up life.

As I rounded the corner, I could see an asari sitting down surrounded by guards of various races. I was put through numerous security checks, each one seemingly taking forever as my cybernetics kept tripping their sensors. Eventually, as another guard spat in my face and I raised a fist to punch his face in, Aria simply said, "Stop. Leave us."

The guards immediately made their way out of the room, leaving Aria and I alone to talk by ourselves. As she turned to face me, I took in her appearance. Black tattoos framing her elegant face, curves and assets in the right places, white jacket, blue and black under suit, the asari in front of me was something else. My anxiety rose as I felt the static hum of uncalled biotics filling the air. Aria was dangerous and someone that I didn't want to face on the other side of the battlefield.

"So, what brings a dead Spectre to my station?" Aria says, her voice haunting and predatory. I stand my ground as my anger and pain and stress rises inside me. I will not break down now.

"Your station? You run Omega?" I ask to clarify her position. It wouldn't do any good if I was dealing with someone low on the food chain.

Aria laughed at my comment and smirked at me. "I _am _Omega. I'm the boss, CEO, Queen if you're feeling dramatic. Everyone needs something and I'm the one they come to get it. And here on Omega, there's only one rule."

She leans forwards and proclaims, "Don't fuck with Aria!"

I snort and reply, "I like it. Easy to remember."

"Simple things are the easiest to remember." Aria replies, sitting down and gesturing for me to sit as well. "And I'll make things simple for you. Why are you on my station?"

"I am looking for people." I respond, "Doctor Mordin Solus and Archangel. Know how I can talk to them?"

Aria leans back, pondering my proposal. "Archangel went silent three days ago after a raid on the Blue Suns like he normally does. You'll never find the vigilante. And for the Doctor... I know where he is. But what can you offer me?"

I blink, taken by surprise. "I'm sorry?"

Aria leans forward, eyes intent on some hidden purpose. "What can you pay me for the information? A dead Spectre can't have too many resources to waste. I need compensation."

"I'm sure I can get you something," I begin hesitantly, unsure of what she wants.

"I already know you can." Aria replies. "Tell me, how was death like?"

Alchera. Space. Suffocation. _Pain. _"What?"

"Tell me how you felt as you died above Alchera. Did you feel excruciating pain, pain that reverberated down to your very soul? Or was it quick, silent and deadly? Did you die with purpose, with dignity? Or did you die like a pussy with more regrets than how long an Asari lives?"

I didn't reply. I couldn't. I was trapped by the memories, the regret, the _loneliness_. Oh, the _loneliness_. I could see my ghost return, Ashley leading their crusade against me.

Aria grinned, somehow knowing what was going on in my head. "It was the latter wasn't it? Dying with your regrets, your ghosts flashing in front of you? All your insecurities rising up at once? Then how did it feel to return to life?"

Oh no... my face paled as I understood what was going on underneath the mental assault of my sins, my insecurities. Don't...

"How does it feel to return from death? To find the galaxy forever changed? To be abandoned by your friends and crew, to be thrust into a suicide mission without much more than a 'Sorry, get back to duty?'" Aria pressed, grinning as she made my tenuous hold on sanity collapse. "To be unable to trust a single person, to be unable to deal with your burdens. To feel like a monster, a being that doesn't belong in life? Let me guess. Like shit."

I snap, my arm swinging out to point at her, my biotics raging uncontrollably as I screamed, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH! I'M A MONSTER, A FREAK OF NATURE THAT'S ALL ALONE! MY CREW ABANDONED ME FOR SELFISH CONCERNS! NOBODY BELIEVES ME! NOBODY FUCKING CARES! NOBODY!"

I collapse to the ground, tears coming down my face. Aria just tore me apart like a piece of paper, leaving me a mess on the floor of her room. Why! Why! Why!

Firm hands plucked me of the ground and set me on the chair. I looked up to see Aria smiling again, her eyes captured by the biotics wisps coming from my body.

"Doctor Solus runs a clinic in the Gozu district. He's currently dealing with an outbreak of a disease that kills everything but humans. You'll find him there."

I blinked and looked at the asari with irritation. "Why? Why goddamn it? Why did you have to tear me apart if you were just going to give me the information anyway."

Aria smirked, goddamn her!, and responded "To make sure you can pay your dues."

What the fuck did she mean by that?

"You can provide me a show, something that I won't ever be able to see again. The fall of the great Commander Shepard to his own personal demons." Aria replied, patting me on the back. "Don't keep me waiting. I'll be watching you with most interest."

Aria got up and left, absently noting that I could take the time I needed to compose myself. As she left, I threw myself at the wall, screaming my frustrations both vocally and physically.

I was alone and Aria just tore me apart for fun. The galaxy hated me and just wanted me to die.

Why didn't I? Nobody cared. The galaxy could go fuck itself. My hand wandered...

No... I stopped my hand, feeling ashamed for my momentary weakness. I was better than that. I won't kill myself. I won't!

I composed myself and stepped outside to meet with my dear handlers. I had a meeting with Doctor Solus in a disease ridden district.

What awaited me there?

* * *

**AN: **I hope you enjoyed that chapter of _Lazarus!_

That got dark, much darker than I first anticipated. Aria did her job alright, maybe too well. Let's see how Shepard progresses from here.

I can't really think of much else. See you guys later!

Primordial Soul


End file.
